The Eight-Day Week

Lube up, lucky ones! Fashion greases its wheels for the Big Week (give us vodka!) with an FIT Couture Council Luncheon honoring popular gal Isabel Toledo, attended by André Leon Talley (the only man in New York who still looks good in a cape) as well as socialite Fabiola Beracasa; designers, buyers, editors and uncertain combinations of all three, including Ingrid Sischy, Sally Singer, Narciso Rodriguez, Jonathan Newhouse, Kim Hastreiter and Tory Burch; their dermatologist, Patricia Wexler; and everyone’s favorite sartorial emcee, Observer muse Simon Doonan! E-mailed Glenda Bailey, editrix of Harper’s Bazaar, “Isabel’s work is like a tango: Every step is incredibly measured and precise, but when it all comes together, all you see is the elegance.  read more »

Gwen Stefani’s pumps will cost you $60 at Housing Works Thrift Shops (do people really pay more? who?), where you can also drop $375 for a Diane von Furstenberg trench—see, we’re working hard to save you from autumn dowdiness! Later, Rent may be about to cease performances, but luckily, carrying the  torch is the East Village play King of Shadows, which tells the tale of “Nihar, a 15-year old homeless gay runaway who claims he’s being pursued by supernatural demons. …” Who isn’t, honey?

[Housing Works Fall Previews, 202 East 77th Street, 5 p.m. to 8 p.m., 212-772-8306; King of Shadows, Theater for the New City, 155 First Avenue, 7 p.m., 212-868-4444]

mbryan@observer.com

So long, summer of suckers! What? You went through a whole summer and your boyfriend still isn’t with a hedge fund? What is going on? Not much going on today—which makes it the perfect day to watch the U.S. Open and think about that weird guy in college who could put a tennis ball in his mouth.

mbryan@observer.com

Labor Day weekend, and already the polo fields have dried up of Argentines, as they’re safely locked away in secret rooms inside Palm Beach cougars’ pool houses, but luckily, you can still catch one last bite, er, glimpse, of Nacho! Everyone’s favorite Argentine polo player and Ralph Lauren model extraordinaire shows up (sans hot Argentine wife, we hope!) for a polo exhibition and celebrity chef tasting with expert marrier, er, cooker, Katie Lee Joel; Four Seasons gatekeeper Julian Niccolini; Sam Talbot of Montauk’s much-maligned Surf Lodge; and “that’s Mr. Chow to you, son,” not to mention “tennis stars in town for the U.  read more »

A “great Tomato Taste-Off” improves any day, in our opinion! Hamptonites, finally tiring of cocktail frocks and Yachtinis and pretending they’re not scared pantless about the debt they’ve racked up renting that atrocious pile in Southampton, focus instead on fresh local produce! Quail Hill Farm has apparently grown 50 varieties of organic tomatoes, all of which will be sampled and ranked by prominent Hamptons herbivores (who may then have to skip dinner!). And for those of us who can only afford oatmeal these days, actual food being too expensive, Sonic Youth plays the last show at McCarren Park Pool before it becomes, you know, a pool again, washing away the high, artfully-rumpled masses and replacing them with squealing schoolchildren (we’re ambivalent on which we prefer).  read more »

Kids in East Hampton are above average, and have their own fancy school to prove it! Today Saturday Night Live cast member Seth Meyers visits the indefatigable Ross School for an evening of comedy. (Watch the laugh lines, sister girlfriends!) Back in the city, cute theatrical gem The Marvelous Wonderettes starts Off Broadway, portraying, actress Bets Malone explained, “the 1958 Senior Prom, and the audience are the student body, so we address the student body as if they are part of the school and include them in the evening’s festivities, and the Marvelous Wonderettes are a last-minute replacement for the Crooning Crabcakes, a boys’ group that was supposed to sing.  read more »

Have you noticed New York ladies have suddenly, inexplicably, started wearing black lace, every day, everywhere? It’s like a Sicilian widows convention has come to town. Cheer up, long faces! Meanwhile mere days before Labor Day, the city is quiet as a mouse, as the L.I.E. backs up with beach-bound Beemers and Botox wagons, filled with worthies whingeing about summer’s “lawst gawsp.” Should you not be among those who cheekily stretched the three-day weekend backwards halfway to July, flip your flops on over to Ars Nova to see the band Windshake, fronted by one Theo Eastwind—a fixture on New York City subway platforms. A press release promises shades of Jeff Buckley and Sting. We’ll be home cleaning our makeup brushes to Fleetwood Mac.

[Windshake, Ars Nova, 511 West 54th Street, 8 p.m., 212-868-4444]

mbryan@observer.com

If you spent August in your underwear like we did, eating taco takeout while ogling Michael Phelps, well, put your pants back on because tonight Bill Clinton mounts the stage in Denver to try to pull off the greatest acting job since Olivier trod the boards. And speaking of hot air, horndogs and nubile lovelies, we’re a week away from Fashion Week, that  twice-yearly influx of underfed Eastern Europeans and their high-heeled, chain-smoking, Emergen-C chugging, town-car-commandeering, American counterparts, who … Gosh, we love puppies! Critter charity Bideawee hosts a parade in Westhampton, featuring face painting and a little red wagon contest, aided by Jill Rappaport of the Today show and Bash Dibra, “dog trainer to the stars,” not to mention a pack of Chihuahuas and Yorkies in Burberry sweaters and Vuitton bags, one of whom will win “Best in Show” (a dog, that is, not an owner).  read more »

Meanwhile, back in hot, smelly civilization, publishing salaries are perhaps still “plateauing,” as evidenced by Random House editor Rakesh Satyal, who we have learned moonlights as a cabaret singer. “Cabaret is intrinsically New York, and publishing is a very New York experience, so when you put them together, it’s a well-matched pair,” Mr. Satyal said. “You think there’s such a wide chasm between you and the people who do it for a living, but New York cabaret is so welcoming.” Mr. Satyal used to perform with well-known Harper publisher Jonathan Burnham, but a job change put the kibosh on that: “He’s now my boss—it was coincidental.  read more »

Horror? Or hipsters! Joyce Carol Oates has not only written 731 novels—she’s also popping up (boing!) in the Fringe Festival, in the form of a theatrical adaptation of her novella Zombie, the jaunty tale of a sexual psychopath (no one under 18 will be admitted!), directed by Thomas Caruso, the same guy who directs Mamma Mia! (The musical, not the unfortunate movie version.) Later, if you’re in the market for a hipster doofus boyfriend, you’ll find plenty to choose from at McCarren Park Pool tonight, as they buzz like flies to a backyard lamp to see Wilco (a band best experienced with Wellbutrin).

[Zombie, the Players Theatre Loft Space (Venue #13), 115 MacDougal Street, http://www.ZombieNYFringe.com; Wilco at McCarren Park Pool, 7 p.m., www.ticketmaster.com]

mbryan@observer.com

Is there a Performance artist sleeping on your couch? Are you sure? Check again—look in the crannies. Because the Fringe Festival, the self-described “largest multi-arts festival in North America!” (if that doesn’t get the heart pumping …) is in town. This year’s lineup includes watershed theatrical events such as Perez Hilton Saves the Universe, Nudists in Love: A New Musical, and our personal favorite: Blanche Survives Katrina in a FEMA Trailer Named Desire. As Granny always said, “One girl’s fringe is another girl’s festival.”

[Fringe Festival, August 8-24, www.fringenyc.org for schedule]

mbryan@observer.com

After an exhausting weekend guzzling vodka cocktails and posing for pictures in pastures, we heed the call of the Olympics, settling down in front of the jumbo flat-screen with a plate of pork bellies and a box of wine.

[Beijing Olympics, NBC, www.nbcolympics.com]

mbryan@observer.com

Oil Up the Gwynnie! Fashion photographer Steven Klein, best known for lubing up models and celebrities for dominatrix-themed magazine spreads, hosts a charity event for Amaryllis Farm Equine Rescue at his farm in Bridgehampton, corralling an impressive haul of across-the-pond expats such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna, and real live Brit Stella McCartney. Before you crash—and you must—motor over to philanthropist Chad Leat’s Bridgehampton digs for a summer gala thrown by dance group MoveOpolis, so named for choreographer Richard Move. “One person said something quite funny—that finally someone was going to bring some culture to one of the Hamptons events!” Mr. Move told us.  read more »

Death-Grip Socialite Battle in Hamptons! The unstoppable East End serves up yet another bloody battle, this time between LongHouse Reserve and Guild Hall. In this corner, LongHouse hosts a “conversation” with artist Chuck Close, led by Parrish Art Museum director Terrie Sultan and followed, as is customary, by a wine reception “on the grounds.” And in the other corner, Guild Hall throws its summer gala at Mulford Farm, with honorary chair Alec Baldwin, who can save the day by turning up in his Charles Nelson Reilly character. Guests include beleaguered Clinton cronies Susan and Alan Patricof—guess they were among the busloads who turned down Bill’s invite to his current Africa tour, though  read more »

Still don’t believe it’s August? Strap this on, suckers: Catie Lazarus, a writer for Saturday Night Live, hosts a comedic extravaganza featuring a cast of performers one never hears enough from, such as the madcap Jonathan Ames and HuffPo’s cleavage-swingin’ sister Rachel Sklar, not to mention Daily Show writer Rob Kutner. Each will entertain the audience with self-deprecating stories of their worst experiences in the funny business—oh, no!—after which they will share “their first jokes.” But wait—what’s this? Sacre bleu, we are saved! Opening night of Cirque du Soleil—in Newark! C’est magnifique!

[Catie Lazarus: Fresh Meat, Ars Nova, 511 West 54th Street, 8 p.m., www.arsnovanyc.com; Cirque du Soleil, Saltimbanco, Prudential Center Newark, 7:30 p.m., www.ticketmaster.com]

mbryan@observer.com

You know it’s August when the evening’s hottest ticket is a birthday party for a guy who hasn’t been among the living for 20 years. ...

Martini & Rossi, makers of the vermouth your grandparents swirled with gin to get stinky-drunk on late-afternoon martinis, sing the birthday song to Andy Warhol, who would have been 80 today. Guests horrified to be found in the city in August include actress Mena Suvari (who starred in Factory Girl, remember? we didn’t either!); bare-bummed sprite Alan Cumming; blissfully preggers Stacey Bendet of Alice + Olivia; on-again, off-again Heatherette designer Richie Rich; and design fairy  read more »

“I have not come across anybody like her. Anywhere,” said Steven Sebring, director of Patti Smith: Dream of Life, a documentary about the angsty, aging rock goddess. “She travels around the world and does poetry readings, or does performances, or does art; she does lectures on William Blake. … I have become like the uncle to her children. When she lost her brother to a heart problem, just after [her husband] Fred died, I sort of filled his shoes, so we’re very close.” Not all his best footage made it, he explained; such as one scene when “Patti’s riding in the back seat of my car, and she’s singing to Ella Fitzgerald, who’s on my radio—it just happened to be on my radio in my old Lincoln—and I couldn’t use that footage because I couldn’t afford the rights to Ella Fitzgerald.  read more »